Boundaries: What are they and why are they important?

Lately, I've been reminded of the value of having and maintaining boundaries. I remember learning about this concept many years ago and never quite understood it then. But as with many things in life, I began to grasp and understand more and more what that means with more and more experience.

In therapy, we often talk about having "healthy" and "unhealthy" boundaries. What does this mean? Imagine having an invisible bubble surrounding you that feels comfortable. Now imagine someone intruding in that bubble - how does it feel? How do you respond?

Imagine someone standing outside your bubble - they respect and honor your space you have established surrounding you. How does it feel? How do you respond?

Consider your relationships - intimate, personal, social, and professional. How do the perimeters of your bubble shift based on these relationships? It's natural and normal for them to vary based on the type of relationship. It's also natural for them to morph - for example, on your first date, you share things that are appropriate on a first date - but as you develop trust and more emotional intimacy, the more you disclose - and your boundary with that person changes - you let them in closer.

I'm reminded of the metaphor of relationships liken to layers of an onion: The outer layers are more superficial where you may talk about the weather: "Can you believe all this rain we've had lately? I'm so ready for the sun to shine!"; to the next layer being sharing opinions and ideas: "I'm really concerned about our environment and support movements to save it. What do you think?" to sharing of feelings: "When you dismiss me, I feel hurt and angry."

So what are traits of healthy and unhealthy boundaries? Here are just a few examples:

Healthy Boundaries Unhealthy Boundaries

Being comfortable disagreeing Being afraid to disagree

Being comfortable saying "No" Saying "Yes" to things you don't want to.

Respecting someone who says "No" Pressuring someone to change their mind.

Feeling safe & valid when Stuffing your feelings to "keep the peace."

expressing your thoughts Telling someone you want them to be assertive

and feelings and honest, but when they are, you get angry

defensive and reject them.

Asking for what you want & need Expecting others to "read your mind."

Being comfortable changing Being afraid to express your thoughts & ideas

your mind

Standing firm on what you believe "Caving" into pressure or "bullying"

is fair and reasonable. then feeling resentful and angry

Being comfortable that not everyone Engaging in "People Pleasing" in fear of rejection

will like you. then secretly feeling resentful.

Accepting responsibility for your Expecting someone else to make you happy.

happiness

Making decisions based on your values Making decisions based on others values and

and beliefs beliefs

Feeling equal and that you matter Feeling that others are more important than you

Feeling others are equal and they matter Feeling others are less important than you.

You don't tolerate abuse or disrespect You have a high tolerance for abuse and being

treated with disrespect

You are respectful of others even if You ridicule, mock and disrespect others that you

you disagree with them. don't agree with

You know when the problem is yours You take on others' problems as your own.

and when it belongs to someone else You expect someone else to fix your problems.

You have a strong sense of self Your identity consists of what you think others

want you to be.

You know your limits. You allow others You rely on others' opinions, feelings & ideas

to define their own limits. more than your own. You expect others to

conform to your opinions, feelings & ideas.

You expect reciprocity in a relationship- You have no balance of power or responsibility

you share responsibility and power in your relationships. You tend to be either overtly

responsible and controlling or passive and

dependent.

You accept and honor another person's You get defensive, argue, don't take responsibility.

attempts at setting boundaries. manipulate and try to force them to change.

So why are boundaries necessary? I'm reminded of the saying "Stay in your lane." When we honor our own and other boundaries, life just flows better. There is a sense of order, harmony, honor and respect that leaves one feeling....well, honored and respected. And that is a good thing. It is the right thing. It is what we all want and need to thrive.

So I encourage you to take inventory in your relationships with friends, neighbors, parents, children, siblings, spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends, business partners, co-workers, bosses (hopefully leaders, not just "bosses" - but that's a different topic), employees, etc. Where do you stand?

What changes do you need to make to honor your boundaries?

What changes do you need to make to honor others boundaries?

I can tell you this, it definitely makes life easier, more peaceful, and more enjoyable when you can practice healthy boundaries. Give it a try. Remember, if you're working on establishing new and healthier boundaries, you may get some push back. Be prepared for that. But don't let that thwart you from your higher goal to have happy and healthy relationships - including the relationship with yourself. :)